Thursday, January 10

My completely imaginary chat
with John Amato



John already thinks this image is too large for the post. Just saying.

BG: Hey John. I got a post idea.

JA: Yeah? Write it up.

BG: I wanna just run it by you first. It's about knitting.

JA: lol. Seriously, BG.

BG: No seriously. There's this sweater pattern that came out and it's full of errors, inaccuracies, and I believe just plain lies from the big yarn company.

JA: Ummm.

BG: No listen. I think it may be a conspiracy, because I'm sure that if anyone really tries to piece this sweater together? You know, get some experts in who actually know something about construction of a garment? I swear, if you get some experts to actually look at the evidence, you'll see, this sweater cannot actually be worn. It's full of holes!

JA: Blue Gal, Crooks and Liars is NOT a knitting blog.

BG: Have you ever worn a hand-knit sweater, John?

JA: Sure, but…

BG: So you have some firsthand personal experience related to this issue, but you don't want to talk about it. Is that what you're saying to me?

JA: Listen, Blue Gal, it's just that, you know…

BG: And this post correcting all these inaccuracies in the knitting pattern will definitely increase traffic to your site when knitters see you care enough to get the truth out there.

JA: Yeah but I don't need a lot of knitters in my comment threads, Blue Gal.

BG: Do you have something against knitters, John? Or is it just the TRUTH you can't stand?

JA: Blue Gal! Knitters are fine! But I don't knit and I don't run a yarn blog, so…why don't you post it to your own blog?

BG: Oh yeah fine, where it will get one one-hundreth of the traffic and no one will know just how much of a cover-up the yarn company got away with. I get it. You're as bad as they are.

JA: It's not that I don't like the truth, Blue Gal, it's that my blog is not about knitting sweaters.

BG: And you're a fascist hypocrite gatekeeper who hates free speech.

[BG shuts down the chat window without warning and immediately sends a mass email to three hundred and fifty knitters, 9/11 conspiracy theorists, Ron Paulites, and ex-Diebold employees about how JA is getting paid by both the bigass yarn company and the Commerce Department to assist them in covering up their criminal conspiracy. He is also ignorant of just how much work goes into investigating each individual knitting stitch and how many experiments it takes to find out the REAL fiber content of a hand-knit sweater, and he has no interest in the truth even if someone else does the work for him. ]

8 comments:

  1. That's just what "John Amato" wants you to think. If that's his real name. He could be a bot. You too, for that matter.

    And how do you explain the curious coincidence that "John Amato Blue Gal" anagrams to "Tamale Banjo Ghoul"?

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  2. No coincidence at all Polizeros. "John vibrates Blue Gal" equals "A Jabbering Hovel Slut." Same diff.

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  3. :D Does he not realzie that knitters have ..... errr... defense devices in their hands at all times? Knitters are not a group I'd want to discount quite so readily. ;-)

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  4. Knit one, conspiracy two...

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  5. As the owner of a hand knitted sweater, I officially say "you can has my fnyuns!"

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  6. I am ashamed to admit I STILL have yet to finish the infamous boyfriend scarf.

    But I did sew something yesterday, and blogged about it today, so I'm not totally hopeless, right?

    And I missed any and all political implications in this post, didn't I?

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  7. Made me laugh!

    (I actually know quite a few women who knit Hmm...)

    Actually, I'd bet you could use a hand-knitted "Impeach Cheney" sweater pic for an open thread at C&L!

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