Don't Sugarcoat It Follies - Jurassic Pork

If there ever were a Don't Sugarcoat It Hall of Fame, certainly it would include Jurassic Pork. Formerly of Yep, Another Goddammed Blog, and now of Welcome to Pottersville, he and his writing are well-known to most of you. His Assclowns of the Week is one of the best written (and most thoroughly researched) series on the blogosphere. Jurassic won the Don't Sugarcoat It Award back on October 24 of last year, and had Don't Sugarcoat It mentions on November 9 and December 19. His post is typical of the quality of his intelligent yet biting prose. Enjoy.

Malkin, Hinderocket, Get Tinfoil Panties in Twist...



...at a time when a tinfoil hat just ain't enough.

I'll be honest with you, boys and girls. As fun as it is to take apart wingnuts like Malkin, Coulter, John Assrocket and others, sometimes I tire of wasting my time and considerable energies and talents on glorified vegetables who, in a perfect world, would be hounded out of polite, rational society to push shopping carts full of soda and beer cans, doll heads, twenty year-old newspapers and other incongruous bits of detritus through the streets of Waltham, Massachusetts.

Alas, we don't live in a perfect world and instead these potential bag ladies and bottle redemption center fixtures make lucrative careers by not muttering non-sequiturs but shouting their Tourette's-inspired conspiracy theories from the sooty, pigeon shit-dappled rooftops of Right Blogostan. And since the proles on the dingy, rain-slicked streets of Sin City look up and hang on their every spittle-flecked word, that magnifies, if not wholly creates, their relevance and importance.

In a less than perfect but still reasonable world, we on the west side of town could afford to ignore these screaming mimes as they pretend to be trapped in little boxes that don't exist and moonwalk endlessly without actually making any forward progress. Alas, we live in a wholly imperfect and unreasonable world so we left wingers pick up the gauntlet to bitchslap the grease-painted faces of the deserving lest they metastasize unchallenged to the 100,000,000 hearts and minds that are up for grabs, the hundred million non-voters who with but a shrug can set things right again.

Malkin's panties are all a-bunch again, this time over this piece in the NY Times that's purported to be, according to Anal Dildo (aka Hinderocket) "A GPS For Assassins." This time, unlike the UC Santa Cruz incident, Malkin didn't entrust the ordinary rank-and-vile flying monkeys for swarm duty. No, this time, she's enlisted the aid of senior flying monkeys such as the aforementioned John Hinderaker, NewsMax (they of "the sneaky way to make money" ads) and Patterico's Pontifications, which had this to say: "Keller must have thought the article was available only through TimesSelect!"

Glenn Greenwald was among the first to pick up the gauntlet and to commence the bitchslapping over this most ridiculous of non-issues. Here's what's going on in a wingnut shell:

In a chatty, completely and utterly apolitical, non-partisan fluff piece in the Travel section of the NY Times, Malkin, Assrocket and others had discovered a vile, sneaky, despicable plot to lead terrorists straight to Rumsfeld's and Cheney's semi-glossed front doors in Maryland. What Malkin, once again, conveniently forgets is this little kerfuffle from the end of last year in which Cheney’s residence in the Naval Observatory was blurred out from Google Earth’s satellite images, a fact memorably brought to light by Maureen Dowd.



The Naval Observatory has been around since 1830. I think we can all agree by now on where it is, terrorists included.

I'd hardly think that Cheney's new private residence can be found on Zabasearch.com and it certainly hasn't been made public knowledge. Another thing that Malkin and Co. conveniently forget is that Secret Service protection while both men are at home will be so tight as to make exterminators redundant, since a gnat couldn't get through their security.

Yet, as proof that terrorists will soon be dropping into Rummy's and Edgar's homes in Maryland, Michelle cites this article as proof of how easy it is to terrorize the Secretary of Defense. Of course, all the information, as even the "reporter" from DC Indymedia was forced to admit, was compressed into two brief paragraphs. Here's what really happened, according to Code Pink.org and Common Dreams. Apparently, Michelle is so used to launching rat hordes that she's forgotten how to use a mouse and a search engine.

Another damning story that added another knot in a sensitive area in Michelle's panties that proves a pattern of pernicious, liberal behavior can be found here! "Liberal thugs" terrorized Karl Rove's family and "Uh oh, false alarm." There's nothing there but a Town Hall announcement saying that their redesign will rock your world on July 4th.

Now, let's get past the patent absurdity of Malkin and company making a mountain out of an anthill by bringing the Cheney and Rumsfeld residence into more conspicuous relief and concentrate, instead, on how she's adroitly conflating this nonexistent terrorist threat with thuggish liberals who have nothing better to do with their time than to terrorize the most powerful yet most unprotected men on earth who have never benefited from Secret Service protection. Let's also focus on the extraordinary timing of this non-issue at a time when that pernicious liberal thinker Bill Keller is under fire for his paper blowing the lid on yet another story of the administration spying on its citizens.

Why not just stick to the first issue of how Keller is weakening national security with his reporters' "scoop" of the government mining the financial data of terrorist organizations, something that they'd known about years ago?

Michelle, Hinderaker, et al: I think that any terrorists who may actually be in this country have better things to do than to unsuccessfully harm heavily protected old farts who are older than God's uncle, especially since they're smart enough to know that, in the unlikely event of success, Cheney and Rummy would only be replaced and it would only redouble the administration's flagging resolve to fight terrorism over here so we don't have to fight them... Uh, wait a minute...

Finally, I leave you with this endearing video that says it all on behalf of everyone with two neurons to rub together.