I didn't help him write it, but I could have.
Mr. Maher? Call me.
[Greetings to the cool kids coming over from Crooks and Liars.
You know where your panties are. xoxo]
New Rule #1:
You are not allowed to put an "end the genocide in Darfur" bumper sticker on your late-model hybrid in order to "raise consciousness in the Bay Area." The consciousness of the Bay Area was raised up over the Santa Ana mountains in 1978. Those still lucky (?) enough to be alive in Darfur are interested in some peacekeeping troops, not a bunch of old long hairs who, admit it, are marching against genocide so they can meet some hippie pussy.
New Rule #2:
Do not get all huffy about Mother Theresa. Ever. I don't care if she supported the reactionary policies of the Pope or was a shill for the pro-life movement. She was an 80 something Catholic nun, you kneejerk fuckwads. She glorified suffering? Maybe that's because her God was nailed to a stick and left to die of asphyxiation. Unless you cleaned dysentery toilets in Calcutta and no one noticed you until you won the Nobel Peace Prize, shut the fuck up. And no, I don't give a shit if she only flew first class after that. If you want to attack the entire Catholic Church, or all the evils so-called Christians have unleashed in the Common Era, let me know when your boat sails and I'll be on it. But seriously, step away from the nun. By the way, if she's right and we're wrong, right now she's probably looking down at you from heaven and flipping you the bird, and mooning Ken Lay as he's turned away at the gate.
New Rule #3:
If you oppose a new building in your town, do not write to the city council, as someone in Port Townsend, Washington did, and say that the building should not be built because it is not in keeping with the teachings of feng shui. And if you publish the newspaper in that town, don't republish that comment on page 1. It makes opposition to development look like our brains are in our Birkenstocks. And the developers and the city council have a really good laugh and block your view of the mountain with their condo anyway.
New Rule #4:
If you found the love of your life and got married, I'm happy for you. If you and your groom are both environmentalists, I'm proud of you. If you had an organic wedding cake, good for you. All I'm saying is, if the man you married really used The Da Vinci Code as an inspiration for his marriage proposal, then you are in for a world of pain.
That is all.