I refuse under any circumstances to allow my children to appear on video at this blog.
So Cheesy Poof, who turns the big O-4 tomorrow, has red dots on her face. The school wants to be sure that it's not chicken pox, and her mother kinda sorta knows it's most likely not chicken pox because, as is often the case on weekends, Cheesy spent her weekend refining her pores and increasing her UVB protection with the magic of a chocolate facial.
She's actually experimented with dry brownie mix, Hershey's Syrup, and Dove Bars melted by her sister using a light bulb. (Don't ask. Just don't fucking ask.) Since the dots are only around her mouth and nose and not on her arms or belly, I'm not too panicky.
Then I try to reach the pediatrician on a Monday when everyone in the entire country has the flu.
Not only are the receptionist phones going to voicemail, the voicemail will not allow a message to be left. I'm only a bit of a drive from their office, so I do what I usually do in this instance, and, without any resentment, drive over there with my sick child in tow and stand there until they think I'm a drug rep.
Receptionist: Hi. Are you here to check out?
Me: No I'm here for an appointment. I can't reach you by phone.
R: Oh we're sorry, our computers were down.
[Okay so now I assume they don't answer phones without computers and that ticks me off but wev.]
R: What is your chart number? [if I said my child was not breathing this office would ask for my "chart number." Can you say computer dependent?] And what are your child's symptoms?
Me: [again I'm not panicked] Her school wants her checked for chicken pox.
R: gasp. You're not supposed to bring chicken pox into this office.
Me: [in the alternate universe where I speak my mind] Fuck you and answer your phone and tell me that, Bitch.
A nurse dashes out and looks at Cheesy and determines in three seconds what I already kinda sorta knew. (Moms do, btw.) It's not chicken pox. So I'm not Pediatrician Bad Mommy of the week, dammit.
We're on our way to our appointment now. I wish they'd offer free chocolate facials for jerked-around moms.
Salon tonight, details later. Sigh.
Mmm... Chocolate! Although I usually like chocolate in my face, not on it.
ReplyDeleteI tried really hard not to laugh at your plight, but well, I failed. But I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing with you.
ReplyDeleteBecause I'm sure you were just busting a gut about that trip to the doctor.
You are not a bad mommy at all. Don't let them tell you any different.
Been there, pediatrician wise.
ReplyDeleteHope the wee one feels better soon.
You're not supposed to take a supposedly sick child to the doctor? WTF?!? I didn't realize quarantines extended that far!
ReplyDeleteWhat DCup said - it's not funny to go through, but it is pretty damn funny, or at least your write-up is. Sorry for the woes, and I hope everyone feels better and all is put right.
I agree with Batocchio, where are you supposed to take your child when she has chicken pox? It's not something that requires an emergency room visit!
ReplyDeleteAnd what's wrong with other children getting chicken pox anyway? It is, in most cases, minor and is more effective long term than the vaccine.
Silly schools and doctor's offices...
lots of scare tactics by the pharmaceutical companies, who exploit that .000002 per cent of Chicken Pox cases end in death. Same as car rides to school, I bet.
ReplyDeleteIt's not chicken pox, the red spots are almost all gone same day, and that's before I put the $67.00 ointment on them.
What did I say about big pharma?
Well, what an unfortunate way to spend the day before one's birthday.
ReplyDeleteMy best wishes for a pleasant event under the circumstances, healthy or otherwise.
Hope tomorrow - the birthday - is a better day for the Poofster.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, sorry about the sick kids. As for the rash, when I was in elementary school I broke out with a rash that looked like measles. thing is, I had measles and chicken pox in kindergarten (and yes, one followed the other). Since, however, the doctor couldn't figure out what the rash was (and the other parents would want to kill my mother if their kids came down with it), I had to stay home until it went away. I felt perfectly fine, but got a week off from school to watch cartoons with my grandmother. I was a very happy kid. Hope your kids feel better tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI am in huge sympathy over the sick kids, but chocolate facial induced faux-chicken pox, just kinda made my day!!!!
ReplyDeleteTo echo dcup, we're laughing with you!!
:)
You can't take a kid with pox to the doctor? WTF?! Here in sane-people land, when a kid comes down with "it-really-is-chicken-pox," they have all the kids in the neighborhood over for a playdate, take naps with the sick kid, etc. Then when every kid under 8 in the town has chicken pox, the mommies hang out with one another and have chicken pox playdates. Because the flip side of .00000002 is that 99.9999998 % of the time, the kid has a teensy fever for one day, and about 15 sorta-itchy spots, and then lifetime immunity to a disease that IS a big pain when you're a grownup.
ReplyDeleteAs opposed to "might-last-ten-years" immunity from some shot. Like you're really going to convince your tatooed party girl 19 year old to go get a booster shot so she doesn't get chicken pox. Whatever, mom.
...clucking noises at the ridiculousness of it all...