Slow News Day? Give it to Snoop Dogg.

If you ever get bored, just head over to Gizoogle and enter any of the many pages from whitehouse.gov or James Dobson's message for the day, for translating into the lingo of Snoop Dogg. For instance, the official nomination of Samuel Alito to SCOTUS.


THE PRESIDENT:



Good morn'n ta help you tap dat ass. I'm pleazed ta announce mah nominizzle of Judge Samuel A . They call me tha black folks president. Alito, Jr., as Associate Justice of tha Supreme Court of tha United States . Listen to how a motherfucker flow shit. Judge Alito is one of tha most accomplished n respected judges in America, n his long carea in public service has given him an extraordinary breadth of experience like old skool shit.

Today, Judge Alito is joined by his wife, Martha, who was a law librarian wizzy he fizzirst met brotha n I B-to-tha-izzoth know you ciznan't go wrong marry'n a librarian cuz Im tha Double O G. Sam n Martha's two children, Phil n Laura, is also wit us, n I knizzow how proud you is of yo baby daddy today . They call me tha black folks president. Real niggas recognize the realness. And I know he's think'n `bout his late drug deala. They call me tha black folks president. Samuel Alito, Sr., came ta this country as an immigrant child fizzy Italy in 1914, n his fine family has realized tha bootylicious promise of our country.

He moved aggressively against white-cizzles n envirizzle crimes, n drizzay traffick'n, n organized crime, n violation of civil rights . Death row 187 4 life.

In his role, Sam Alito showed a passionate commitment ta tha rizzy of law, n he gained a reputizzles fo` being B-to-tha-izzoth tough n fair like this and like that and like this and uh. He understands T-H-to-tha-izzat judges is ta interpret tha laws, not ta impose they preferizzles or priorities on tha people . I started yo shit and I'll end yo' shit.

Judge, thanks fo` ridin' ta serve, n congratulizzles on yo nominizzle.

JUDGE ALITO:



Thank you, Mr . Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. President. I am deeply honored 'n shit ta be nominated ta serve on tha Supreme Court, n I am very grateful fo` tha confidence that you hizzy S-H-to-tha-izzown in me . Aint no stoppin' this shit nigga.


Oh, and before I forget. Patagonia wants your panties.

Happy Birthday, Jon Stewart, er, and Jesus, too.

God forbid I should sound like Bill O'Reilly. It's just that Christmas this year seems like one big greed festival for people who never think about Jesus even a little bit. I'm not suggesting huge public displays of phoney piety (as B.O'Re is), just less consumerism. Please.

At least one sector of the market has it's eye on the Savior: 46% of American SUV drivers think Jesus would drive one. Yeah. Hey, I'm a believing Christian, and that article scares the bejesus outta me.

Oh, but Jon Stewart knows the reason for the season. Thanks, and happy f-ing birthday yourself, doll baby. xoxoxoxo If you wish him a happy birthday here, let him know that shameless blogwhore Blue Gal sent ya.

What happened to the RED STATES?

Bushco's approval ratings by state. The more red, the more approving.



Isn't it special that Alabama is a looovely shade of lavender?

Prayer of repentance required of any reader who thought about moving to Canada twelve months ago.

And for a well-written take (probably stolen from WSJ, but honey, they can afford it) on the whole red state thang, read Daniel Henneger's article on Truman Capote's Dark Visitation. Truman would think that's writing, not just typing.

Meme-ries are made of this.

Sorry, folks, I hate this whole meme thing almost as much as I hate LOL, ROTFLMAO, etc. etc.

But I've never been so flattered as to be tagged by the great Falafel Sex. I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

Oh wait, I may hafta go down on my knees to do this anyway. The meme goes like this:

1. Go into a Middle Eastern restaurant, and order a falafel to go.
2. Take it home, disrobe, and get into the shower with the falafel.
3. Do unspeakable things.
4. Email Bill O'Reilly and tell him about how his sexual tutelage changed your life. Tell him Falafel Sex sent you.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

As I said to Abby (goddess), I'm afraid it's a little late to be telling Blue Gal about unspeakable things with the falafel. I had so much Catholic guilt over the hate post (and the fact that it was picked up by C&L, deities) that as atonement, well, let's just say it was one party where the panties stayed on, but that kinda made it interesting. LOL! TMI! Nevermind!

Oh, the tags are going to take some thought. (Aw no they won't)

1. My evil twin at Blog de la Resistance.
2. Akabini, you doll baby, take boy in that shower with ya and he owes me a growler.
3. Yep, Another Goddamned Blog (I owe you big time xoxoxo)
4. INTOUS, because why didn't Blue Gal blogroll you earlier, huh?
5. and a recent find, Busy Busy Busy.

Open [form] letter to my Congressman

I musta responded to one of those True Majority/John Kerry.com/Move On/Michael Moore please email your congressman thingys, because yesterday I received a form letter from my congressman, Spencer Bachus (R, Jesusistan). His entire, unedited letter is below in italics. I've added my response as I go:

Dear [insert name of constituent here]:

Thank you for sharing with me your concerns regarding the Administration's intentions in the War on Terror. I am glad to have this opportunity to respond.

You're welcome, though I never use the term "War on Terror" because what's going on in Iraq is, in my opinion, no such thing. "The occupation of a red herring" is more my style.

President Bush has reaffirmed his committment to integrity in the Administration.

Yeah, right. I notice Rove, Cheney, Rumsfeld and even Brownie are still on the payroll. Nice of you, Congressman, to cancel that fundraiser you were gonna have for Tom Delay after he was booked, however. Your "reaffirmation to integrity" is actually more believeable than the President's.

Shortly after being indicted, Lewis "Scooter" Libby resigned as Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff. It is important to note that the charges Mr. Libby was indicted on are not related to intelligence manipulation.

Kudos, Congressman, it takes guts to even bring this up. The average Alabama voter would buy this. I regret I neglected to tell you in my communication that I am a transplant most recently from Massachusetts. We Bay State transplants, unlike Alabama natives, are able to get our brains around the "outing a CIA operative because her husband is about to blow our cover on intelligence manipulation" as being "related to intelligence manipulation." Next time I'll give you a heads up on my IQ.

I do not believe President Bush manipulated intelligence to allege falsely a national security threat to the United States by Iraq.

Oh. Now I've got a heads up on your IQ.

The Administration has multiple rationales for going to war with Iraq which is why Congress overwhelmingly supported going to war.

Multiple rationales: Halliburton, Chevron, and the Saudi royal family. Congress and the American people they represent are a buncha suckers.

Members of the U.S. Armed Forces with the help of our allies have removed a dictator who gassed, murdered, and imprisoned his own people.

So the invasion of North Korea is scheduled for when?

The Iraqi people have had the opportunity to vote for the first time in decades for a representative government which has inspired other democratic initiatives throughout the Middle East.

Too bad this didn't happen in Broward County, Florida in 2000. And the Saudi royal family doesn't look too worried last I checked.

It is certainly better to fight the terrorists on their territory rather than here at home. We must realize how important it is for all U.S. citizens to stand behind our men and women in uniform as we continue to win this War on Terror.

Why the f**k have we not found Osama Bin Laden? Please, please, get with your leadership and come up with another answer. NO ONE buys the "win the war on terror" crap anymore. Over two thousand of our troops will never get the chance to fight terrorism here at home, ever. Support the troops? Bring. Them. Home.

Although we may disagree on this issue,

Yeah.

...I appreciate hearing from you.

So does STB/jb, who actually wrote and typed this letter. I'm the Republican congressional intern gravy train, baby.

Please do not hesitate to contact me in the future on this or any other issue important to you.

Hey, Spence, consider yerself invited to bookmark my blog.

Love,

Blue Gal
6th District, Alabama

Happy Thanksgiving, but...

I suppose the appropriate thing to post here would be a list of ten things I am most grateful for. But they would be the same ten things lots of people are grateful for, namely friends, children, a home, and other blessings of this life.

Instead, I'm gonna end this week with things that just make Blue Gal foam at the mouth.

1. Abu Gahrib. Tis EVIL we are fighting here, folks. We're on, nay, we have been BLESSED WITH a mission to destroy these lying, torturing, self-interested evildoers.

2. Bill O'Reilly and Pat Robertson. Nuff said.

3. Democrats that won't fight. Ya gonna fight "just a little" for what is right, or wait until the political timing is right to fight evil? Momma didn't raise her boys to be Republicans, but she didn't raise 'em ta be pussies, either! Go Murtha!!! And the rest of you Dems, fight, dammit!

4. Halliburton made over two million dollars today. Profit. They do every day. Even Sundays and holidays. And they're working for you! And the entire administration is working for them! Happy yet?

5. Most Americans spend more time thinking about who gets voted off the island than who is getting tortured on behalf of the United States of America. The producers at CNN think a good substitute for Larry King is Ryan Seacrest interviewing Nicole Richie. (That giant sucking sound is the evaporating brain cells of anyone unfortunate enough to have surfed by that intellectual black hole.) And then there's the blogosphere, abuzz with Madonna's new album. Really. Who gives a f**k.

It explains, however, how the turkey got to run the country.

Have a good week. I'll be back after the holiday.

Happy Birthday, Howard Dean

And many happy election returns in 2006/8.

Leave your own message here.

Not to get all moral on you...

Robertson threatens Dover PA. O'Reilly (terrorist sympathizer), threatens San Fran. Secret prisons torture in Iraq.

All of these are wrong. But some things are just plain wrong.

Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.

Love on ya, Queerty and Malcontent.

It's never to early to not shop for Christmas

A week from this Friday (November 25) is not only the "Busiest Shopping Day of the Year (tm)" it is also an opportunity to make a statement against consumerism, over-consumption, and greed: Buy Nothing Day.

I have three kids 7 and under. They will get a few gifts. But D. and I usually do not exchange gifts at Christmas. And I'm gonna resist all those emails from Amazon and Buy Blue this year.

The pre-Christmas season is a great time to declutter and give to those less fortunate. I use my totally politically correct paper grocery bags from the organic food market (gag) to load up the ol' minivan with stuff for the thrift store. But seriously, one grocery bag a week to the thrift mean fifty two sacks of junk outta here every year. (Salvation Army rather than a for-profit thrift, too. Read the fine print on where you are giving.) I read somewhere that a good closet cleaning technique is the one fifth rule: for every four things you keep, get rid of one. That's today's to-do list for Blue Gal.

Finally, check out Hey Jenny Slater's post, "Don't even come around here frontin' that A&F crap unless you want my Gap style to tax that ass." A very nice springboard to that whole Uber-crummie t-shirt fiasco. Abercrombie was always too pushing-it-over-the-top gay for Blue Gal, kinda like Bernard Law. But that's another post.

That's not funny, that's crude!

Nope, changed my mind. That's funny.

Thanks, Eric.

The unforeseen consequences ofIntelligent Design in the classroom

Good morning, class, welcome back to American History. As you know, your science teacher only has a few minutes in his science curriculum to go over the source and creation of the entire universe. This is as it should be, as there is so much to cover in science class: gravity, the human circulatory system, the orbit of the planets, you know, things that can be shown and proven, and that you as an educated person ought to know.

In American History class, things are a little different. As part of our propaganda unit, we are going to spend this entire week on Intelligent Design. We're going to look at both sides of the issue and I think by the end of the week you will have a really good idea just where this whole Intelligent Design thing is coming from and why it is a stupid idea Nobel scientists and other intelligent people, like your history teacher, feel strongly about this issue.

For a little background, class, we're going to listen this morning to this NPR story about the election of a new school board in Dover, Pennsylvania. Last week, Dover kicked out its entire school board, who wanted Intelligent Design taught in the science classroom, with a new school board which has promised to move Intelligent Design into an elective comparative religion class. I want you to pay particular attention to the words of Bernadette Reinking, who is one of the new school board members. Notice how sane she is. What is her religious background? Does she seem anti-Christian to you?

In the same story, we hear Reverend Pat Robertson talking. Is that him, or is it a Saturday Night Live parody? How can you tell? Does he seem anti-Christian to you?

Now let's look at a website which gives another definition to the design debate as it relates to Pat Robertson. What is this author's position? Is it reasonable? (Yes.) Does he seem Jewish to you? Funny, he kinda looks Jewish. Are Jews always this funny? (No. Spaceballs was written by a Jew, and was not funny.)

Now, class, let's go back to the main question we ask about every single issue we confront in American History:

What would Eleanor Roosevelt think of this?***

Eleanor Roosevelt believed in science and the Constitution of the United States of America. She was friends with Albert Einstein and other Nobel Laureate Jews. She would be against teaching Intelligent Design in the science classroom. Case closed.



***The worship of Eleanor Roosevelt was established as central to the Blue Gal Course of Study in American History in the Spring of 2005.

But hey, paganism was a close second...

Which religion is the right one for you?


You scored as Islam. Your beliefs are most similar to those of Islam. Do more research on Islam and possibly consider taking the shahadah and officially becoming a Muslim, if you aren't already.

Despite the actions of some - who go against the teachings of Islam - Islam is a religion of peace; the word "islam" means "peace through submission to God." "Muslim" means "one who submits to God." Islam is the third of the three Abrahamic faiths, and it shares much with Judaism and Christianity; its differences are the acceptance of Muhammad as the last and final prophet, and the oneness of God - in other words, that Jesus, though he was a revered prophet, was not in fact God, and only one God exists. Apparently the Taliban could not read (though their name means "students"), because the Qur'an states that men and women are equal as believers, and that all believers should be educated and seek knowledge. Modesty in dress and behavior is required in Islam for both men and women to preserve the values of society and move the emphasis from superificial appearance to intelligence, knowledge, and God.


This could also have something to do with Blue Gal hating freedom...see Fafblog.

An doncha just love it that this Egyptian guy got Judaism? (hat tip, Ballbright)

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Yer standard "fish without a bicycle" post

There's a really interesting conversation going on over at At My Knit's End over the Maureen Dowd article in last Sunday's NYT Sunday Magazine. Maureen essentially asks:

Why do young women wanna be 50's housewives again?

Why do men of any age want young women who wanna be housewives?

Isn't this just an awful backlash against all of the gender progress we were promised by Gloria Steinem and company?

Oh, and why can't I, an attractive and highly prominient NYT columnist, get a date? I'll pay my fair share. Oh, is that wrong?

Without screaming "biological imperative" at the top of her lungs, Blue Gal would like to point out the following:


This "feminism brought us into the workplace" is a buncha crap. Women went into the workplace in droves in the late '60's early '70's because real wages did not keep up with inflation. Feminism may have given some women a way to rationalize such, but mommy did it for the money, 'cause you can't keep up your standard of living on one salary anymore.

Young women today are a stupid as in any other generation. Blue Gal her own self was never so stupid with her head in the clouds as when she was 23 years old. Dreaming of being a housewife in Barbie's dream house and looking like Barbie/Jessica Simpson/a Maxim girl is just normal stupid dreaming on the part of females who have not grown up yet. It is not the End Of Feminism As We Knew It. Feminism as we knew it never existed, ladies. It was all in our heads. Get over it.

Now, to those girls who want the "Mrs." label and are dreaming of living the fifties dream model, a little wake up call. Blue Gal is only gonna mention a few facts 'cause otherwise this could take all day and she's got laundry to do. Imagine, if you will, that your dream comes true. It's the 50's again, and you are Happy Homemaker.

1. You do not have your own car. That's right. You get your husband's car on "market day" after you drive him to work. One day per week. And while the car is made of solid steel and gets just about the same mileage as today's Hummer, it's got something called a "clutch" which makes it much more difficult to park. Don't worry, you only have it one day a week. The other four days you are at home and car-less.

2. At home, you do not have cable, the internet, a cell phone, a cordless phone, or a microwave. You may have one credit card, but it has your husband's name on it. There is no Target, no Gap, no Old Navy. Catalog shopping? It's called Sears and Roebuck, baby. You are not without things to do, though, because you spend so much of your day ironing.

3. You do not know who got voted off the island, what Homer Simpson is up to, or which desperate housewife will get laid this week. You own exactly one Black and white TV with three channels. The shows go off at 11 pm and show a test image until 6:30 am.

4. Your husband works at something called a "manufacturing job" which in addition to a salary provides him with "benefits" and something called a "pension." (These things existed then, but they do not now. You might want to look them up.) His job both stresses him out and bores him, so he takes refuge in hard liquor when he comes home. If he wants sex and you don't, all the conjugal rights are in his corner. And remember, even Betty Friedan's husband smacked her around after a couple of belts. You might have to get used to it; the 1950's police rarely intervene in "domestic issues." [Actually, Blue Gal stands corrected. Feminism did make a difference in this arena. Hitting or raping your wife is now a crime in all 50 states. Thanks, Gloria.]

4. You smoke, your husband smokes, all your friends smoke. You all stink like smoke, but nobody has a sense of smell from all the smoking. If you get cancer, you die. End of story.

5. There is no such thing as Prozac, South Beach Diet, or thong underwear. And you will not go out of the house without wearing one of these:



Have fun back there, girls.

Don't Sugarcoat It Award for November 9

The most recent "Don't Sugarcoat It Award" goes to Driftglass, for his
post, The Credibility Depression. Driftglass will go on, but he helpfully blockquotes his news sources, so you can skip all that and simply read his most excellent writing. Here's a snippet, but Blue Gal says one bit can't do it justice:

I began this blog in March of 2005.

This was just after George Dubya Bush interrupted another month-long Crawford vacation with Tope the Magic Flagon to mule it back to D.C. with his constitution snippers cached in his rectum at the behest of his Christopath Overlords.

Measured in style points, The Schiavo Mob Action was nothing new; it has always been S.O.P. for the G.O.P. to let the vociferous scum that is their “base” do the Party of Lincoln doggy-style while they dispatch their roves and trolls and henchmen to horse-head anyone that tries to pull the curtain back on their diseased little odium-orgy.

Blue Gal was gonna hat tip Jurassic Pork on this one, but damn, he got Blue Gal on the latest meme trap. Yer supposed to comment on whether the fifth sentence of yer 23rd post is still relevant, then find five other victims bloggers to do the same. The answer is, like all things Blue Gal, extremely relevant:

"Yes! Yes! We all bow to Fafblog! Yes! Yes!"

and the five are...

Weird Wally
Agitprop
Birmingham Blues
Bitch PhD (Love the name and the skin photo, Bitch)
and
What Do I Know?

Blue Gal not responsible if they've already done it or don't want to.

Oh, and because she asked for it, Blue Gal has been smacked. If you want to comment on the review, do it over there, please.

Blue Gal. Ten Inches. Cut.

Karl, don't get yer panties in a wad: this is not a post about Jeff Gannon.

First bloggers against the wall when the revolution comes are those who take the time to post their new hairdo. Google Blog Search for "new haircut" shows there are 87,594 of you. Please stop it.

But Blue Gal did give ten inches of her own hair (yes, that's really Blue Gal's shorn locks in the above photo) to make wigs for disadvantaged kids in chemo. Thanks to Locks of Love for the opportunity. Blue Gal readers who are also aging hippies (and you KNOW who you are) can do the same at that link.

Let's do the numbers...

According to Bob Harris, Dick Cheney's approval rating is now eighteen points behind those who believe aliens have contacted the U.S. Government.

'Course, there could be some overlap.



If you need some political self-gratification (what, the cow panties from yesterday didn't do it for ya?) Mother Jones has a lovely article called "It's the Corruption and Cronyism, Stupid" which outlines just how deep
a poll hole Bushco is sittin' in.

Did somebody say...panties?

Now wouldn't cha just love to have her job. Blue Gal usually does not post on the weekend, but when she heard there was a recall of ground beef PANTIES she just could not resist. Made her Sunday. (Hat tip: Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)

When smoking was cool

Image from Chickenhead

That's Blue Gal's alternate title for the movie she saw last night, Good Night and Good Luck. Clooney really puts us back in the 50's: Everybody in this movie smokes. But, hey, it's a good flick and ya oughta see it. Just don't think of the current state of broadcast journalism while you're watching...yeah, right, as if George Clooney doesn't insist you do. Okay, just don't think about Brit Hume. If you do, you'll never stop crying.

One Year Ago Today...

...Blue Gal started her blog. It was Election Day, the day President Bush received A Mandate from The American People(tm) and earned political capital which he intended to spend. The day a great many blues downloaded visa forms for Canada. Blue Gal called them wimps and said that the fight was just beginning and this was gonna be way funnier than Kerry woulda been. And hasn't she been proven right? er, Left?

Since that time, Blue Gal's relationships with the Faf, the Fluff (Keith Olbermann), and the Poof (Anderson Cooper) have kept her name in the blogosphere limelight. ('Course, the recent revelation of Abby at Falafel Sex and her sordid one deer stand with Scooter Libby just knocked Blue Gal off the illicit relationship map. But still.)

And not only the political stage has changed. Blue Gal has been a vehicle for personal growth. For instance, Blue Gal is no longer awakened by images of Bill "Cat Killer" Frist being released from prison wearing Martha's poncho. She sleeps soundly, knowing the power of Photoshop and where she can go and more importantly, where she does not need to go. Setting limits, after all, is the first step to authenticity. And as Manolo so wisely says:



While she is a straight mother of three, she for some reason dreams of the day "LESBIAN POWER" t-shirts come in a size 3T. (Or maybe she actually saw one outside a Seattle Montessori School. It's possible.)

Have a lovely weekend, folks. And to her regular readers, all she can say is, panties. Oh, and thank you, Sister Rosetta, for making sure our undergarments are in keeping with the Bible.

Feathers and Fear

Blue Gal doesn't get it. Are we supposed to believe Dubya when he says avian bird flu is not an immediate threat, when we can plainly see that a highly resistant strain has infected the Giambattista Valli Runway Show above? That poor girl is pale, emaciated, and covered in feathers. What more evidence do we need?

But seriously, folks. Dubya is scared [of his current poll numbers], and wants us all to be scared too [so we will turn to him in trouble? ha.] Speaking of the politics of fear, Blue Gal sends a hat tip to The Sunday New York Times, for pointing out an article by Frank Furedi on spiked-online.com. Spiked-online is a good read in and of itself, btw, specially if you want the British lefty slant and like yer PM on a plate. Here's a snippet of Frank:

The term 'politics of fear' contains the implication that politicians self-consciously manipulate people's anxieties in order to realise their objectives. There is little doubt that they do regard fear as an important resource for gaining a hearing for their message. Scare tactics can sometimes work to undermine opponents and to gain the acquiescence of the electorate. However, the politics of fear is not simply about the manipulation of public opinion. The political class is itself anxious and disorientated. In the present circumstances, even professional political operators who are in the business of promoting fear are themselves habitually overwhelmed by it.

The politics of fear is a manipulative project that aims to immobilise public dissent. But it is also the mantra with which a disconnected elite responds in the circumstances of its isolation.

So next time you hear our President talk about flu, just remember what [t]his fear is all about.

Save the date?

Well, yeah. Friday is the first anniversary of Blue Gal. She's workin' on a "Best of Blue Gal" for the ol' sidebar, so if you have anything to say about that, favorite posts, a castigation against her hubris, whatever, post it to comments below.

Now about that Harry Reid. A possibly cheap, yet provocative political stunt designed to knock the opposition off guard and cheer the base? Your trophy blogger Blue Gal says: