Thursday, August 9

Guys who are going to wait a while. A long while.

Republic of Dogs has been combing the Craig's List personals so I don't have to. Not that I would, but still:

I want a cute petite girl who dont mind moving right in with a man after a few weeks of dating. I hate going out and looking for woman so I figured I would try this.

Yeah, "looking for woman" is such a pain in the butt. They're always out of them at AutoZone.

and this one:

Hi, Matt from Wilmington. Im looking to get a BJ and like twice or three times a week with the same person. I’m clean and disease free so should you. No prostitutes please. I’m just looking for a normal girl who loves roses, who is laid back and up for doing this about 2 or 3 times a week. Thanks Matt.

If your serious, please send a few photos and your stats.

Oh yeah, you had me until you asked for "normal." And not knowing the difference between your and you're is an automatic disqualification, anyway.

I've been reading a few "self-help/relationship" books this year and gotta say there's a real proclivity, even among male Ph.D. authors, to portray men as having absolutely no emotional needs apart from sex. I don't support that, in spite of the above.

By the way, you two Craig's List guys: "proclivity" is not a sapphic or even gynocentric term--oh nevermind.


  1. How do guys like that think they are going to be able to sneak these dream dates past their mothers, to get them into the basement?

  2. Popular media - especially in the last few years - has been flooding our culture with the horny oaf male archetype, e.g., "Home Improvement," "King of Queens," most Time Warner Cable commercials. This negative stereotype is perpetuated by a national television addiction, feeding the degradation of male behavior towards this lowest common denominator while simultaneously pushing the female role in relation to the husband/boyfriend as more of a caretaker/parent from which he -the child- must seek approval, as opposed to an equal partnership.

    I vehemently validate your lack of support for the "no emotional needs apart from sex."

    on a lighter note...
    man doth not live by BJs only
        - Dude-ronomy 8: 2-3 (KJV)

  3. "I’m clean and disease free so should you."

    It exists on so many levels. It's a call to action. It's a sparse zen koan, I'm just astonished by the depth.

  4. willis10:25 AM

    Never considered "Craigs list" as a source of entertainment. Will pay more attention. These are right up there with some of those from the "Hannidate" site.

  5. What I find most amusing are the

    TYPES IN ALL CAPS PEOPLE are often closely related to the no sense of punctuation people, who believe, much like Gertrude Stein that punctuation is an outdated concept and that really all we need is one colossal run-on sentence.

    Have no fear, Blue Gal, I ascribe the society of men against male chauvinist pigs. Nothing turns my stomach more than an grunting alpha male.

  6. I like the "and your stats."

    Hi, my name is Kelly. I'm 23, my measurements are 32-28-32, I'm 5'2", I wear a size 6 1/2 shoe. I average around 3.2 blowjobs and 2.4 handjobs per week. I'm willing to swallow, but my average is dipping of late (2.1 down to 1.5), as I'm in a bit of facial slump. I have been know to engage in Bukkake (1.75 times per month) which could get me back up around my career averages.

    If you're interested please send me a follow up listing some of your stats. I prefer a man to be at least 7.2356" and to be able to last no less than 15.467 minutes.


  7. Huh... suddenly, I feel a lot better about myself. Really!

  8. That's pretty funny. I'm sure there's a girl out there who will.

  9. stats is what did me in! oh lordy!

  10. I am also in the society for males against male chauvinist pigs. The scary thing is that these "men" may actually get some replies to these ads, although I would say the first one is just trying to get out of his parent's basement and move in with a girl.

  11. "TYPES IN ALL CAPS PEOPLE are often closely related to the no sense of punctuation people, who believe, much like Gertrude Stein that punctuation is an outdated concept and that really all we need is one colossal run-on sentence."

    Dear Comrade Kevin -- Please go easy on me. I frequently type in ALL CAPS because I can't figure out how to do italics in the comments section of blogs.

    Run-on sentences are just plain silly fun.

    I WOULD NOT give a blow job to someone who doesn't know proper usage of apostrophes.

    And WHO advertises for a girlfriend on Craig's List?

  12. I WOULD NOT give a blow job to someone who doesn't know proper usage of apostrophes.

    Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one who's picky like that...

  13. My stats ... let's see, GPA 4.0, SAT 2400, LSAT 176, and a perfect on my driving test!


  14. ... just kidding ...


  15. All my blowjobs were outsourced years ago. Some guy with bad sitar music does the commentary. Come to think of it, he's rather droll.


  16. Anonymous6:08 AM

    Blue Gal:

    democommie, here. I was referred to your website by my Commander-in-Chief, Jesus General. He thinks one of those Craig's Lister's might be his brother, in mufti.

    My last personals ad ran something like this:

    "I'm a "Good boy". I deserves me a home with a loving, but stern, mistress.All my shots are up to date; my nails and hair--including nose, ear and back--are trimmed monthly (well, mostly) and I don't pee on the carpets anymore(my last mistress swore by her Taser!). As for my sexual stuff; what I lack in length and girth I make up for with speed."

    It's been running for a month and a half in the local paper, I think I need a wider, more sofisticated audience--maybe this is it! Oh, yeah, I'm good with cars.

    democommie, Chief Mechanic and Chauffeur for Jesus General, Patriotboy.

  17. Hoo boy. You left the apostrophe off of Jesus' General. That's gonna do you in democommie.

  18. Setarcos7:55 AM

    I can't believe you critical people. What a narrow-minded, culturally provincial, unmerciful, psychologically unaware, and privileged bunch. Some people are more aural than others and have different needs and express themselves with varying facility in different mediums. I often interchange the words your, you're, their, they're, there, plane, plain, awful, and offal when in the throes of a passionate diatribe. Consider it a psycho-linguistic typo. You are being entirely unfair to this young man on Craig's list. I keenly sympathize with the sting of injustice he must be feeling at having his intelligence so impugned by a bunch of left-brained bean counters. I'm sorry but this just gets my back hair up.

  19. Setarcos8:03 AM

    And don’t get me started on apostrophes ;)

  20. Setarcos anyone who uses the terms "psycho-linguistic," "diatribe," and "impugned" in one comment is welcome to join our culturally provincial square dance.

    You're one of us, doll. Welcome to the party.

  21. mellowjohn8:58 AM

    have you been hacking jonah goldberg's personal ads again?

  22. whats the dividing line between biting social satire and poopy-filled-diaper-fetishist bushist fascist actual senators who get caught w/ their pampers down ?

  23. Secular liberal peacenik sks worldly anarcho-solar dominatrix for undermining the dominant paradigm, eventual global overthrow, and cold-press canola parties on 100% hemp sheets. Denture wearers who enjoy daily alum colonics preferred.Bring Mary Daly and Andrea Dworkin tracts, leakproof Pampers and I'll be yours 4ever.

    Prefer rapturous multi-orgasmics prepared for the coming apostrophe.

  24. I teach and tutor, and I've gotten to the point where running across a paper with no missing articles, your/your're or there/their/they're errors, etc. almost gives ME an orgasm.

    Categorical Aperitif

  25. Anonymous11:38 AM

    Gawd - I wish I knew were to go to turn in my official man credentials. 'Guys' like these make me wonder how we ever made it as a species.

    I'd go shower now but there is not enough hot water in the world.

  26. Anonymous2:51 PM


    I thought if you didn't know how to use apostrophes you dint have to give no blowjobs. I'll be more carefuller.


  27. Anonymous4:38 PM

    I don't want any trouble, just driving by. I think the boy has "and your stats" correct. If it was "and you're stats" it would read "and you are stats". That ain't right is it?

    I hate English and refuse to remember all the rules, so please feel free to laugh at me if'ns I am wrong.

  28. It's not his stats, it's his "serious" that irks me. You're correct, Anonymous, "you're" is a contraction for "you are". You're serious. Your stats include an intelligence quotient above that of your food processor, because you're not advertising in Craig's List for your BJs. Thanks for your contribution. You're welcome.

  29. hey, anonymous> "Oh, yeah, I'm good with cars."

    I'm good with cars too, I need someone to do real male heavy work... the vacuuming.

    "emotional needs beyond sex" I'll bite: it's something to do with telling him he's doin' better than the males around him . . . at whatever it is he's doin'. That and the sex. I think that wraps it up.

  30. Anonymous1:07 PM

    I understand emotional needs. I learned about them from my ex-wife.

    She said that getting time alone was an emotional need.

    Then she moved in with another guy.

    I get it.

    Give me a choice between blow jobs and emotional needs, I'll take the blow jobs.

  31. iamspartacus1:50 PM

    I haven't seen a paper lately -- are women still marrying men who are in prison? On death row?

    I'm just saying, don't count these guys out yet. Apparently there's someone out there for everyone.

  32. Thanks for the linky love.

    RoD is truly in love with the folks who write on Craig's List. The low hangin' fruit, the mis-spellers, the I think I'm clever, but I'm not, etc. etc. etc.

    And while I agree with the comment above that there is always someone for everyone, by answering these ads and going out with these men, women are continuing the patriarchy and total disregard for fellow humankind. I'm sorry but how is there someone for a guy who wants a BJ and gives nothing in return except for a flower. Because he doesn't want a hooker, but he treats you like one!!


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