Monday, December 15

Wherein I write a personal,
yet publick, note to My Captain.

Dear Cap'n Dyke, Lesbian Ruler of the Piratical Seas:

I were thinkin' on ye, Cap'n, this morning, as I read the blogs and discovered what is possibly the lamest article ever written at Huffington Post. I know, Cap'n, that be an astonishin' claim, but you will consider the evidence:

The "lady" writin' this, whose name be Alex Leo, sayeth that when models in advertisements appear as pirates, that is an example of "rape" being used in advertising to subjugate women.

And, well Cap'n, I hope you are sittin' down for this one...

...the same anti-women subjugation happens when advertisers portray bondage and girl-on-girl action.

I know I am just your blogmistress (and not a lesbian though I be a pirate raisin' my children t' be the same) and should probably keep my business above deck, but if you'll harbor a suggestion, I suggest you and some of your fine crew take Miss Leo (I be presumin' she is single, and who wouldn't?) below decks where the ropes and other piratical girl-on-girl paraphrenalia be, and show her a really good time away from cameras and advertising and fake feminist outrage.

And once she's had twenty or thirty bits o' fun, a warm bath and a long nap, turn her loose and she won't want to leave and you'll allow her to stay, provided she promise she won't write silly stuff like that ever again.

And while I be makin' suggestions, Cap'n? I be givin' a hat tip to Jade Gate on this one, his blog be not safe for work, but he is a master of the ropes, a true gentleman who only acts on explicit consent from women, and would be an asset to any Pirate Ship.

Love, your blogmistress, BG

PS folks too friggin cold to do a video blog my cheeks are beet red from getting the ice chipped off of my car, which took...blah blah blah. Salon tonight, though.


  1. A lame article on HuffPo? Gasp! Why, that's so unusual.

    Certainly, the Cavalli 'pirate' reference provided as corroboration for opinion defined 'reaching for shit' this frozen morning...If those two foppy addlepates were 'on the account', no wonder we brothers and sisters of the Coast lost the Seven Seas.

    But as an exculpatory aside, the author is an editor for 23/6, so perhaps the whole thing is some misguided attempt at edgy humor like the rest of their oeuvre.


  2. Nothing gets my ire up more than fake feminist outrage.

  3. how perfectly prudish AND so far off the mark as to be silly.

    live and let live i say to her!

    or as we say round here, "whatever floats yer boat!"

  4. Anonymous6:50 PM

    Here, here! Huzzah fer the Blogmistress and fer the finest Cap'n ever to lead a scallywagish crew such as we be.

    Just tell me when to fire at will and I'll be throwin' me thunderbolts at a few well deservin' arses.

    Standin' by fer orders Cap'n.

  5. Anonymous7:05 PM

    Welcome to our fine community, BG. Rain all night, followed by a hard freeze. Today I broke the screen door closing mechanism trying to get back in at 5:00 this morning after successfully getting my car opened and warmed up (Mrs. P gets the garage, of course). An hour late to work because Lovely and Talented Daughter actually did have a final today, and needed a ride to college because her car doors wouldn't open, and it was too late to try the old boiling water trick. Almost lost it on the off ramp, saved by ABS brakes (All By Self, lightly pumping the brake like a madman, prayers and imprecations floating heavenward).

    The joy continues for 10 more weeks, with a late March or April gotcha added in by the Dread One. But you do get used to it.

  6. Anonymous7:07 PM

    Me Most Beloved an' Delightful BlogMate, Th' Cap'n takes ye by th'hand an' pulls ye close for a Piratical Hug (purely platonically Captainish - which may not be quite platonic... ;) ). This woman ye speak of could Indeed use a bit o'Me Special Attentions on th'Punishment Dock, then we shall loose her back into th'Mundane World an' mayhaps she will see th'error o'her ways an' become nonjudgmental, but prolly not.

  7. Anonymous7:09 PM

    Me Godling, Loose away at yer Discretion.

  8. Anonymous4:14 PM

    j'aime le changement de pic

  9. Confession time: Somewhere in that personal, yet publick, note to yer Captain, Blue Gal, my eyes alighted on the word "feminism" or some such.

    Then my eyes glazed over.

    It always happens and I can't help it. There's something about feminism that makes my eyes glaze over. It's like being exposed to math. Some part of my brain just ... shuts ... down.

    I never *got* feminism. So much of what I was exposed to as feminism in the late 70s through the mid-80s was ugly and angry. (I mean "ugly" in the Dorothy Parker sense: "Ugly goes down to the bone.") So much of it behaves like the flip side of excessive machismo -- you know -- the "XXX"-type male. Ugly and angry.

    Brutal and raging mad all the time. Anti- this and anti- that, always *against* something.

    It all made me very tired and very sad. I tried so hard in the early-mid 80s to hate men. I'd certainly had enough done to me by my mid-20s to spend the rest of my life hissing and spitting at all things male.

    I once participated in a "Take Back the Night" march. I went with a bunch of friends. We arrived at the gathering spot with our placards, whistles and anger ... and then I saw who was leading the event.

    I've lived nearly 20 years since that moment, and I can safely say that I've never met a more furious woman.

    Let's call her Mike. (She might have enjoyed having a guy-name.) She had a megaphone in her hand and was screaming for an end to violence, really riling the crowd up.

    By the time we'd marched for an hour, we were smack-dab in the seamiest, scariest part of downtown. Mike jumped up onto a raised curb and roared through her megaphone -- HEY HEY! HO HO! THE VIOLENCE HAS *GOT* TO GO! -- By now the women were pumped and pissed. My friends and I were towards the end of the march, and we saw men begin to emerge from a bar and line themselves up around its periphery, folding their beefy arms, planting their legs and staring.

    Mike saw them and got even more inspired, howling into her mouthpiece and spitting all over everywhere. Then some of the women started screaming directly at the men. The men started screaming back. Mike was in her element, leaping up and down like a crazed jester, egging her army on.

    My friends and I shared one taut glance and turned heel. We slogged back to our car and went out for ice cream, feeling perfectly deflated. We talked long into the night about what the hell just happened and What is feminism, anyway? and What the hell are we doing and saying if we choose to participate in a mob scene that ends up just being more of the same? Why is everybody so *angry* all the time?

    ... and so on. I've sincerely grapped with feminism for nearly 30 years now and I just don't get it. I bow to all the women -- and men -- who have given their share of their lives in our ongoing attempts to gentle the human race, to wake us up to how *stupid* our violent behaviour can be (On occasion, it does come in handy...unfortunately...), and to just get along a little better. That includes the work we do through our maleness or femaleness ... through those two primary differences (among others) that lead us to love and despise and revere and sometimes kill each other.

    ...Wow. Food for thought, eh? Arr ... ;-)

  10. Arrggh! There be a punishment dock?? A rebellion be imminent!

    Fine words be thay, Blue Gal!

    (And, I had the pleasure (some, not that of his full scope) to meet M. Yu, and I can vouch for his devout respectfulness.)

  11. Oh, and Jaliya, I read:

    Somewhere in that personal, yet publick, note to yer Captain, Blue Gal, my eyes alighted on the word "feminism" or some such.

    Then my eyes glazed over.

    an then so did mine. I'll come back and give it a chance after I go brush my underarm hair.

  12. BG -

    I'm a Twisted Monk fan, myself. Great source of supplies, he is. Tremendously amiable guy, too.

    I think I'll amble by this woman's post for a bit of finger-pointing and laughter.

    Jaliya -

    That variant of feminism, a very confrontational style, has it's place. Nearly every social advance starts there, when a reaction finally happens. On the down side, it's often a reaction of pure id, with little introspection. The fact you were in a mob didn't help, as they do tend to be far less rational than individuals.

    There's a huge history to feminism. If you've been thinking about it at all, I really suggest you read a bit more before letting your eyes "glaze over". Human rights struggles around the world are going to be helped immeasurably by improving the condition of women. It's an important thing to learn.

  13. Lissen here, Bluegal: I KNEW Capn' Pissgums, and you aint no Capn' Pissgums!

    What I'm SAYIN' HERE is that this cute lil' ALEX LEO evidently has no CLUE abour real sexism!

    I apologise for being rude, but supposed "journalists" who waste time with crap like Leo's piece in a place like Huffpo when they SHOULD be covering REAL, IMPORTANT news (which there is aplenty) piss me off.


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